A place to vent

I am in the middle of another severe RA flare-up -- hobbling around with great difficulty on scarily swollen feet, and also suffering pain, swelling, and/or diminished range of motion in my knees, hips, shoulders, and hands. This is basically my own fault because, once again, I hadn't been taking my methotrexate. I just really hate that stuff. When I felt the flare-up coming on, I started taking it again, but it was too late. Last time, the flare-up subsided as soon as I got back on the mtx, but no such luck this time.

The very worst part of these flare-ups is not the pain or the loss of mobility, but the sympathy, which I do not know how to accept gracefully. Someone will notice that I am limping and will ask if I am okay, if I hurt myself, etc. I will reply, "No; I have rheumatoid arthritis and I'm just having a flare-up." They will look at me with pity in their eyes and say, "Oh, I'm so sorry." I went through this at least five times at work on Friday. Now, I know they mean no harm -- on the contrary, they are expressing care and concern, and I do appreciate it. It just makes me uncomfortable to be on the receiving end of pity. I don't know how to respond when someone says, "I'm sorry" like that. Do I say, "Thank you?" That's usually what I say, but it feels awkward, and then I just don't know what to do with myself, so I look away.

Speaking of pity, though, I am not above pitying myself on occasion. You know how you sometimes hear stories about people who went through a terrible illness or suffered a horrific injury and were amazingly strong about it? You hear things like, "She never complained; she never asked, 'Why me?' She never felt sorry for herself." Well, frankly, I do feel sorry for myself sometimes. Sometimes I get angry about the fact that I have RA. Sometimes I do ask, "Why is this happening to me?" I don't mean, "Why can't it be happening to someone else instead?" I mean, "Why does this have to happen at all?"

People are always telling me that I'm so brave, so tough, so strong, such an inspiration, etc., and I think I do generally handle the RA pretty well. I don't let it stop me from living my life. I still work full time and I call in sick less than once per year. When I'm in a lot of pain, I figure I can either be miserable at home or at work, so I may as well go to work. I exercise as much as I am able and have managed to stay in pretty good shape -- probably way better shape than a lot of people my age who don't have a chronic illness. I take care of my pets, take Achilles for a daily walk, and do things with friends and family almost every weekend. But I'm no saint. I'm not above feeling beat down by the RA and the toll it takes on me. I almost never discuss those feelings with anyone face to face, but I'm glad I have this blog as a place to vent on occasion.