I surrender.

A few posts back, I was talking about this ridiculous RA flare-up and how I was pretty sure it was due to the fact that I stopped taking my methotrexate last November, and how I do NOT want to go back on the methotrexate, right? Well, I officially gave up this week. I called my doctor's office and they phoned in a methotrexate prescription for me.

I kept hoping the "flare-up" would get better, but I don't think you can even call it a "flare-up" any more if it's lasted for a month and gotten progressively worse. This past week it got insanely bad.

This next bit is going to sound like a lot of whining, and it is; but it's also in part to illustrate how disabling and downright painful RA is, for those who may not be aware:

My left foot is so swollen that I cannot fit it into anything but a flip-flop (and even then, the straps dig into the top of my foot and leave nasty indentations). I usually head upstairs at eight or nine in the evening to use the computer before bed. My knees hurt so badly that I have adopted the habit of bringing two large bottles of water upstairs with me in the evening so that I won't have to go back downstairs if I get thirsty. If I get hungry after I've come upstairs for the night, I stay hungry, because it's better than having to face the excruciating pain that going downstairs to the kitchen would cause me. Even just standing up from a chair and walking (more like hobbling) across a level surface is excruciating -- stairs are torture. The joints in my hands are swollen, and some of my fingers are starting to go crooked. I cannot use my hands for anything requiring any amount of grip strength -- opening bottled beverages, turning on a water faucet, etc. -- without searing pain. Fortunately, typing requires no grip strength and actually doesn't hurt too badly. You don't have to move your fingers as much as you'd think you do in order to type. My left wrist has developed a painful protrusion. I cannot straighten my left arm all the way because my elbow is all swollen and sore. My shoulders are killing me and have little range of motion. I am having wicked muscle spasms in my back, which are not directly related to the RA, but are due to the way I'm having to move my body because of the joint pain. I cannot sleep for more than an hour at a time at night without being woken up by pain in my shoulders or legs -- usually because I've been in the same position for too long and am trying to turn over.

I can't walk down the hallway at work without some well-meaning person asking me what is wrong or if I'm okay. I almost hate that more than anything.

I have read that within five years of diagnosis, 33% of RA patients are totally disabled, and within ten years, that jumps to nearly 70%. I was diagnosed four and a half years ago. I feel pretty much disabled right now.

So, I caved in and went back on the methotrexate this weekend. It's a once-weekly injection, and it takes several weeks to build up in your system before it starts working, so hopefully by the time I see my doctor next month, he'll be able to assess whether it's working or whether we need to try something else. Trying something else would actually be preferable for me, because I really, really hate this medication. I'm sick for a day after I take it, and I hate the inconvenience of having to sacrifice a lunch hour once a month to go get blood work done -- to say nothing of the fact that being on a medication which requires such monitoring is disconcerting at best. This stuff can destroy your liver and your bone marrow, among other things; hence, the need for the monthly blood work. I suppose it is still preferable to constant, unbearable pain and disability, however.