W.H. Auden -- If I Could Tell You

Time will say nothing but I told you so,
Time only knows the price we have to pay;
If I could tell you I would let you know.

If we should weep when clowns put on their show,
If we should stumble when musicians play,
Time will say nothing but I told you so.

There are no fortunes to be told, although,
Because I love you more than I can say,
If I could tell you I would let you know.

The winds must come from somewhere when they blow,
There must be reasons why the leaves decay;
Time will say nothing but I told you so.

Perhaps the roses really want to grow,
The vision seriously intends to stay;
If I could tell you I would let you know.

Suppose all the lions get up and go,
And all the brooks and soldiers run away;
Will Time say nothing but I told you so?
If I could tell you I would let you know.

Milestones

I finally hit ten miles on the bike last night! I mean, it was the first time I've gone ten miles in one sitting. It felt great! I also upped the resistance level a couple of notches for about a quarter of the ride.

I've now lost 16 lbs. since New Year's, I'm back in a size four, and I'm starting to have some serious wardrobe issues. Most of my pants and skirts are no longer wearable, because they literally fall right off me when I put them on. I need to either find a good tailor or start putting together a whole new wardrobe. Even my jewelry doesn't fit me any more. My rings slide around on my fingers, and my watch flops around on my wrist. Not that I am complaning, mind you! I'm really happy about this.

Much of this is accurate...

some isn't.

Your Personality Is

Idealist (NF) You are a passionate, caring, and unique person. You are good at expressing yourself and sharing your ideals. You are the most compassionate of all types and connect with others easily. Your heart tends to rule you. You can't make decisions without considering feelings. You seek out other empathetic people to befriend. Truth and authenticity matters in your friendships. In love, you give everything you have to relationships. You fall in love easily. At work, you crave personal expression and meaning in your career. With others, you communicate well. You can spend all night talking with someone. As far as your looks go, you've likely taken the time to develop your own personal style. On weekends, you like to be with others. Charity work is also a favorite pastime of yours.

The Three Question Personality Test

Well, I'll be darned.

You Should Be A Poet

You craft words well, in creative and unexpected ways. And you have a great talent for evoking beautiful imagery... Or describing the most intense heartbreak ever. You're already naturally a poet, even if you've never written a poem.

What Type of Writer Should You Be?

The Foot Surgeon

I had my appointment with good old Dr. Smoot yesterday afternoon. It went well, with no real surprises. As I'd predicted, he gave me a cortisone injection in the affected nerve (and if you don't think an injection directly into a nerve hurts like hell, you're crazy). He also noted that the bottom joint of my big toe has deteriorated a lot in the last year. I'd had that same joint on my left foot fused last April, and the doc told me yesterday that we're looking at a fusion for the right foot in the near future. He went ahead and injected that joint with cortisone, as well.

He didn't even bother to schedule a follow-up visit -- he just said something to the effect that we'll see how long the injections hold me over, and to call him when I'm ready to schedule surgery.

Sigh.

Ideally, I'd like to put off any foot surgery until after Achilles has had his knee surgery and is rehabilitated from it. That way I won't be incapacitated myself while also trying to care for an incapacitated dog.

Bad News for Achilles

Achilles had his annual exam with the vet on Friday, and it seems he is going to need to have knee surgery. I didn't even realize dogs had "knees." I did realize, however, that ever since I got Achilles, he has had a habit of occasionally limping on one or both of his hind legs, but for just a few minutes at a time, and then he seems fine. Well, it turns out that he has luxating patellas in both hind legs, and needs to have surgery ASAP to correct the problem. I spent the weekend researching this problem on the web, and spoke with a friend of mine who works with dogs for a living, and all information seems to say that the longer the surgery is put off, the greater the potential for additional damage to the bones and joints, and the more extensive the surgery that will be required. Plus, I can't stand the thought of my puppy being in pain for any longer than he has to, so I want to get this over with quickly.

With that in mind, I hope to have his surgery scheduled within the next month or so. I dread the thought of taking any animal in for surgery -- they have no idea what is happening, and they don't like it, and it breaks my heart every time. This has to be done, though.

Sigh.

Farewell, Cocoa Bean

I lost a beautiful kitty yesterday. Cocoa Bean (obviously, the brown one above) was born in my guest bedroom almost exactly seven years ago. I'd adopted her mama (without knowing at the time that she was pregnant) the previous month. Cocoa lived her entire life in my house -- it was the only home she ever knew.

I called her "the Velveteen Kitty," because her fur was so soft and velvety. She had beautiful coloring and facial features. She had a high-pitched, squeaky meow, and was fairly shy and skittish. She always enjoyed snuggling up for a nap with Punkin (above), and frequently slept above my head on my pillow at night.

I'm not sure what killed her, but I suspect she choked on something. It was all very sudden, and it seems she didn't suffer for more than several seconds, anyway.

She will be greatly missed.

This foot thing is getting out of control.

The majority of the shoes I wear for work now hurt my right foot so much that I am hobbling for most of the day. It hurt so much at the end of the day today that I went shoe-shopping after work. It is a struggle to find shoes that won't hurt my feet, yet are not too ridiculously casual to wear to the office. I ended up finding three pairs that should be fairly comfortable and are still presentable enough to wear to work. I am getting dangerously close to old-lady-shoes territory, though.

This pair is teetering on the verge of being too casual for work, but my boss is well aware of my footwear issues and doesn't mind if I go a bit more casual than you would usually see in a law firm:



This pair is really cute, and I love that it doesn't enclose the toe area at all, so it shouldn't cause me any pain:



Finally, this pair is adorable (I love Mary Janes), and even though it encloses the entire foot, I found it in a wide width, which means it shouldn't hurt me too much:



Something tells me the Manolo would not consider any of these shoes to be super-fantastic, but one does what one must.

A couple of Steve's poems

Courtesy of Jacquelin (thank you so much!):

For Christmas:

Remember, my love
For this holiday
And all those to come
You are the warmth
Of each Holiday flame
And being with you
Is the most precious
Gift
I could ever receive
On this Earth.
I love You.
Steve

*************

Jesus, Billy and You

I can’t put my finger on it exactly
What these things have to do
One with the other.
Perhaps it’s the tremor I feel
When the moneychangers are turned out,
It’s the summer highland falls and
A breath of golden hair ghosts before my eyes.
Maybe I’m just
Lured by sandaled rebellion
Revealed in glass houses or
Warmed by a unique duplicate smile.
I can always find
Salvation in the words
Strength in the chords and
Comfort in your arms.
And all I can do is wrap myself around
Three things that give me
Meaningful purpose
Childlike wonder, and
Unconditional love.

You put your right foot in, you take your right foot out...

Dammit.

I was hoping to get through at least the first half of the year without any surgeries, but I had to break down and call my foot surgeon today to schedule an appointment. We took care of my left foot last year, and my right foot is now to the point where just putting weight on it (or putting a shoe on it, for that matter) is becoming unbearable. It's like walking on knives.

So, I shall see my foot surgeon on the 21st. He'll probably take some x-rays, then tell me what I already know is wrong with it, then shoot it full of cortisone and schedule a follow-up visit, at which time he'll tell me it's going to require surgery. I know this drill.

I guess the good news is that I have only two feet, so I'm halfway done already. The bad news is that my left foot required two surgeries, and I have no reason to expect that my right foot will be any different.

Something you don't want to see

when pulling into the parking garage at Whole Foods for lunch:

A giant bus full of kids from a Catholic school in San Antonio pulling up to the curb.

I'm telling you, all I wanted was a slice of pizza, and it was bedlam! These kids in their little Catholic school uniforms swarmed the Whole Foods cafe. It was like the nuns never taught them how to form a single-file line or how to order food in a cafeteria-type setting. They were like a rabble-rousing mob of little people in ties and plaid skirts, refusing to wait their turns, shouting at the poor guys manning the pizza counter, pushing ahead of other customers, acting all ornery and shit.

What kind of school takes a field trip to a friggin' grocery store, anyway?! Seriously, what's up with that?

Happy Birthday, Steve

Steve would have been 37 today. I was thinking about him last night, and this Robert Frost poem popped into my head. I think it's fitting for the occasion:

Nature's first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf's a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.

Perhaps this is why we blog:

After the bare requisites of living and reproducing, man wants most to leave some record of himself, a proof, perhaps, that he has really existed. He leaves his proof on wood, on stone, or on the lives of other people. This deep desire exists in everyone, from the boy who scribbles on a wall to the Buddha who etches his image in the race mind. Life is so unreal. I think that we seriously doubt that we exist and go about trying to prove that we do.
~John Steinbeck, The Pastures of Heaven, p 56
US novelist (1902 - 1968)

Getting back in shape is hard work!

I remember when I was in high school, in great shape from dancing for three to eight hours a day, and on a family vacation to visit my aunt and uncle in Colorado, I took the opportunity to use the exercise bike they had in their basement. I hopped on that thing and went for twenty miles without breaking a sweat.

Well. Things are different now.

I haven't gotten much exercise for the past several years, and none at all to speak of for the past year or so. Not being able to do anything with a lot of impact sucks. That's why I thought the bike would be a good idea, especially with the memory of how easy it was when I was in good shape.

The bike was a good idea, and I'm glad I got it and that it finally has two pedals. It's not nearly as easy as I thought it would be, though. I'm taking it slowly, adding a mile or so each day. I definitely break a sweat now, though! While I was pedaling and sweating this evening, I finally remembered that the damn thing has a fan! I turned it on and that made my ride much more comfortable.

Even though it's only been a week, I really can feel my body getting back into shape already, which is fabulous. And I'm now up to 12.5 pounds lost since New Years. Woohooooooo!